Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
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If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.