What’s so funny?
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.