People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
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Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!