Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!