“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
You Might Also Like
so much to do
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.