I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I’d love this…lol
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?