I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
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Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine