I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
A small tragedy.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.