Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don鈥檛 get it.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I would like even faster food.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 馃槏馃コ馃コ馃コ they left a first-floor window unlocked and i鈥檓 just walking around in here!
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Cop: Suspect located, we鈥檙e in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU鈥橰E CUTE TOO!
HB: *text* hey, what鈥檚 for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
If I chase you, it鈥檚 most definitely with a chainsaw.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome