Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby