“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit