“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
You Might Also Like
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
i think both sides are to blame here
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?