I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone