I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Start the year as you intend to continue.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
thank god
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule