HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
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A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I have many caverns
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Butt weight. There’s more!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Guys, I found it.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before