Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
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I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
multitasking lunch
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Guy who likes music
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*