7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!