I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?