A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
How does one answer this?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
#Caturday
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Lucky old June.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”