I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
She: I like Cats
He:
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad