that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
#NoRestForTheWicked
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
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In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.