hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.