I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
so weird how every mom was born today
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.