[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
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I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”