my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.