I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”