My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!