I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband