[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
#polloftheday
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game