i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.