co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*