MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”