Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult