So can we start calling them Traylor now?
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not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver