If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
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Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Breaking news:
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.