Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.