Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
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went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
August 8
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with