I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
happy valentine’s day to me
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”