17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
So we got a goldfish…
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
🚲+physics = winner
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏