Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Love this one 😂🧟
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Monday
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.