Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
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Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
new wife guy just dropped
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u