People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
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Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Birds & Planes.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script