When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*