If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
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Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”