When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.