Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Bringing home a sharpie
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird