A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread