I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
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What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”