Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
The Others (2001)
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball