me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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Planet of the Apps.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes